Saruman's Spell of Slash
by Featherveil
Summary: Ever wondered why everyone is gay in some slash fics? Well, in this one it is an evil plot of Saruman's, and it causes some quite odd pairings. F/L to begin with: cute+cute=??!
1. Prologue

**Prologue: Orthanc**

'Your majesty.'  
'Saruman.'  
'What is your command?'  
'Snow on Caradhras was fine, just brilliant. But they survived. And they are moving towards Moria. You must find a way to hinder them, so that I can place my troops to all possible tunnels. One day is enough. Hinder them one day, Saruman, and do not fail me this time.'  
'Yes, your majesty.'  
'You may go.' 

The Palantir darkened and Saruman sighed. He was glad the task was not more difficult, yet he was at loss how to perform it. As so often before, he turned to his library for guidance. His eyes scanned the titles on the leather spines, and he muttered to himself. 

'Torture...not here... Tactics, Standard.... Tactics, Insidious... nah. Spells... Enchantments... maybe... hey, what's this? One of Grima's cheap scrolls! 'The Perversions and Abdominations Among Umbarian Nomads, with Colour Illustrations' What on Middle-earth is this supposed to be?' He opened the papyrus. 'Ych! Disgusting! Men bedding men!' He scrolled down to see the last of the illustrations. 'Is _that_ actually possible?' 

The thirty-seventh rule of Insidious Tactics is approximately:  
'No fate is too terrible for your enemies, and their loss of honour is your gain.' 

Suddenly Saruman remembered it. After that it was a simple matter to alter a lust-enchantment and send it where Sauron had shown the camp of the fellowship. 

'With these words I command:  
Flesh for flesh,  
man for man,  
so that they won't understand:  
Magic is what makes it so  
man with man must have   
a night and day  
of body-love.' 


	2. In Your Eyes the Evenstar

Note: Warning: This is a humour fanfic, which means it is not meant to insult anyone, but to be funny. It contains very intense slash and below-belt punches in the humour department.  
Have you ever wondered why in many slash stories nearly everyone is gay or bi, when in real life these are a minority? I have, so I wrote this to answer myself: it was an evil plot by Saruman!  
**** 

Sauron's Eye had been searching for the ringbearer, so he also got the first and heaviest load of Saruman's perverted magic. Frodo found himself suddenly staring at Legolas in a new way. Why hadn't he noticed before how _beautiful_ the son of Thranduil was? Such golden hair, soft skin, large eyes... why, he was prettier than many a hobbit maiden! 

Legolas felt eyes on him and found they were Frodo's. A quick look revealed everything to his elven instincts. His first emotion was unease: even in his long life, no man had ever stared at him so. But then the magic hit him, too. 'Why not?' He asked himself. For an elf, new things are rare and special, new experiences unforgettable treasures. And Frodo, he was something special, too. An elf-friend, a noble mind. Not to mention he was pretty, in an innocent, eager way. Almost like an adolescent elf, and just how long ago was it he had last met one, let alone kissed one... 

The elf stood up and smiled at Frodo. The hobbit followed him away from the fire, onto a soft bed of moss hidden between large stones. They kissed, shyly at first, then with rising passion. Legolas opened Frodo's breeches, took them off him, touched him softly. Frodo sighed, he was already aroused. Legolas was taking off his own clothes, all of them. The cold seemed not to affect him, and indeed Frodo himself felt quite warm. Especially when he saw the elf naked. He was perfect, like a living statue of a... a young god, no less. And his member was long and slim, but very, very aroused. He put his hand on Frodo's butt.  
'May I?' Legolas asked.  
'Yes, oh, yes!' 

After, they embraced, and Frodo wanted to kiss Legolas all over his perfect body. Suddenly the elf spoke:  
'Would you like to have a go?'  
'Are you joking? I'm spent.'  
'Let me see about that.'  
Legolas now started giving Frodo an intimate massage, and before long he felt he could, indeed, have a ride. His member was more than ready. Legolas now lay down and opened his legs, and Frodo entered him.  
'Oh! You are so tight! Are you sure this doesn't hurt you?'  
'No, it's wonderful.' His eyes were indeed full of pleasure.  
Slowly at first, then with increasing speed, Frodo pushed and pulled his manhood inside his lover's beautiful flesh. This time he was slow in coming, he could feel like they were flying, even the ring was only a bad dream, and when he came at last he was totally exhausted. Legolas dressed him like a child, then whispered the words of an elven love song in his ear. 


	3. The Pride of the Shire

'What's the difference between a Took and a potato?'  
'I don't know.'  
'Then there ain't any; cause the potato doesn't know either.'  
'Very funny, cousin. How about this one: What did a Brandybuck do when he went to the ferry and saw it was on the opposite shore?'  
'Used the bridge?'  
'No, he took a boat and fetched the ferry and then he crossed the river.'  
'Ha! How do you know a Took is married?'  
'Tell me.'  
'He's moved from the room he shared with his sister to a room he shares with his cousin.'  
'Not funny. I once went to Buckland and I asked a farmer: 'How do you spend your leisure in these parts?'  
And he said: 'In the summer we go boatin' and bed our women.'   
'And what do you do in the winter?' I then asked.  
He said: 'In the winter we don't go boatin' much.'' 

Merry and Pippin were at their usual pastime: telling jokes about each other's families. Just as Pippin finished the boating-joke, however, the enchantment fell upon them. Both stopped laughing and stared into each other's eyes deeper than they ever had before (except at a staring competition now and then). What they saw was such a surprise that they gasped simultaneously, then stared again.  
'Cousin...'  
'Cousin...'  
Merry pointed into the darkness beyond the firelight.   
'How about if we moved our beds under that fir-tree?'  
'What for?' Pippin asked, almost guessing but afraid.  
'I'll show you when we get there.'  
So they did. 

'Merry, what are you doing with my trousers?'  
'Borrowing them.'  
'What for?'  
'I'll show you...'  
'Ow! Are you biting me... in _there_?'  
'Nah. You're going to thank me for this... very soon.'  
'Owww.... no don't stop Merry oh Merry... thank you...' 

'Told you so. It's winter you know. Your turn, and here's your trousers.'  
Merry wanted to do it standing up, so they moved a bit away from the fir-tree.  
'Promise you won't pee in my mouth?'  
'Of course I won't. Just look at me, would this _fellow_ do anything of that sort?'  
Pippin braced himself and took Merry's erect member in his mouth, kneeling on the soft moss.  
Soon he felt he _wanted_ to give Merry oh so much pleasure, he loved his cousin... 

'Yuck! Phew! Slimy!'  
'I know what you mean. Let's go destroy some food, all right?'  
'Yes... Merry?'  
'Pippin?'  
'Was I any good?'  
'Sure you were. And besides, you proved my point about Tooks and cousins.'  
'Aww, no fair!' 


	4. The Noble Sons of Numenor

Aragorn stared into the fire. Opposite him, Boromir did the very same thing. Suddenly the Gondorian stood up and walked down the hillside. The Ranger's eyes followed him. Then the Ranger also followed, with silent steps. What he saw did not particularly surprise him. Boromir sat on a stone, masturbating. Suddenly Aragorn felt his own manhood also harden.  
'A strange night, is it not?' He asked, feigning a casual tone.  
Boromir jumped up, his cheeks red.  
'I'm sorry.' Aragorn said.  
'Do you feel this... longing, too?'  
'Indeed I do.' And he sat beside Boromir, legs apart to show he meant his words.  
'I once knew a girl... in Lebennin, who would touch me - like this' he demonstrated on himself 'and now I indeed miss her.'  
'Show me how you do it,' Aragorn asked, and Boromir helped him get rid of his breeches, then guided his hand to ease his pressure. For a long moment the two men each attended to their own needs, then, satisfied for the time being, just sat and leaned against each other. 

'Oh, sod it!' Aragorn suddenly exclaimed.  
'What?'  
'I'm back where I started, again.'  
'You mean...'  
'Have a look.' Boromir did indeed look, and felt a curious desire as he saw how _large_ his companion was. It was nothing like the jealousy he thought he ought to feel.  
'I have an idea. What if I give you a helping hand? Might be faster that way.'  
'Would you really?'  
'Why not? Your member ain't any dirtier than my own, and then you can do the same to me.'  
Boromir went to work before he had finished his sentence, and put his both hands to it.  
'Imagine it's a woman.' He whispered.  
'Ahhh... you are wonderful... oh, oh...'Aragorn moaned and trembled, 'now I'm comin'!'   
Boromir wiped his hands on the moss, already feeling his own arousal. He took the seat on the stone and Aragorn knelt before him, taking his manhood in his hands. 

Boromir suddenly thought 'this man is the heir of Isildur, one day he will be my king, but tonight he kneels for me and...'  
After that thought he almost came, but managed to control himself. He didn't want it to end, and he certainly did not think about women. When he came at last, in Aragorn's palm, he shouted his name.  
'Oh, my! You sure have endurance - or did I do something wrong?' Aragorn asked.  
'No, I loved it. Thank you so much.' Boromir kissed him on the cheek.  
'Oh, but that's too chaste after what we've shared.' Aragorn winked, and took Boromir completely by surprise by giving him a passionate kiss on the mouth, tongue and all.  
Boromir in turn embraced him fiercely, tears brimming in his eyes. Still locked in that embrace, they lay down on the ground.  
'If you were a woman, my Boromir, you would not remain a virgin tonight.'  
'Neither would you.'  
'I almost wish I _were_ a woman, so I could lie with you.'  
'So have me! There is a way.'  
'Is there?'  
Boromir went on all fours, his back to Aragorn.  
'See? A smelly old hole, but I'm afraid I can't offer your member a better place.'  
Aragorn laughed, but he saw the truth of Boromir's words.  
'You think I could squeeze myself in there?'  
'I'm sure you can do anything you want tonight.'  
Soon Boromir's words were proved true, as Aragorn found much pleasure in a 'smelly old hole' - and now he no longer thought of women, either. 


	5. The Axe and the Kettle

Note: Yay! You are still reading? Exellent! With this chapter I vote myself the (drag?)queen of odd pairings! Even if you loved Frodo and Legolas, you may still find _this_ rather...  
strange...  
**** 

When Gandalf had walked away to meditate, Sam and Gimli were the only ones left at the campfire.  
'Strange, how the fire seems to get warmer and warmer...' Sam muttered.  
'You know, you remind me of someone back home.' Gimli said, in a strange, soft tone.  
'Who is that, mister Dwarf?'  
'Don't be offended, but it's a woman.'  
'How can that be, when I ain't one?'  
'I don't know, it was just a passing impression of the firelight, anyway she had a beard.'  
'See! Not like me at all, mister Dwarf.'  
'Please call me Gimli.'  
'I wonder where master Frodo is.'  
'I saw him with Legolas a while ago.'  
'What did they do? Look at the stars again?' The two had done this several nights before.  
'Probably.' 

'Sam, are you married?'  
'Me? No, not yet. But there is one girl, Rosie...'   
'Do you miss her?'  
'You ask! Of course I do.'  
'Do you miss.. the way she touches you?'  
'Well... funny you should ask tonight, I just thought myself that's exactly what I miss right now.'  
'Would you believe if I said I could help you?'  
'How?'  
'Hmmm. Lie down, just so. Now close your eyes and don't move. Imagine you are back home, alone with... Rosie. Now she comes to you...'  
Gimli deftly opened the laces of Sam's breeches, then took his member in his mouth. Somehow he knew exactly what to do.  
'Ahh, Rosie!'  
Before too long Sam came, jerking violently. Immediately he opened his eyes, and gasped in shock when he saw what Gimli was doing. The dwarf lifted his head, and gestured for silence.  
'Well, how did it feel?'  
'It was nice, but...'  
'No 'but's'  
'How can I ever repay you?'  
'Well, I too miss the lady I mentioned earlier... but you don't have to take me in your mouth, if you think you could give me your... behind.'  
'Oh. Yes. Naturally.'  
'There's only one problem. See,' said Gimli and took down his breeches.  
'You cannot deny I'm rather large in this department. It would be easier if we had some oil to smooth the way...'  
'I have oil in the saddlebag. Shall I get it?'  
'Please, do.' 

Sam walked uphill to the pasture where they had left Bill the Pony. But he found there was someone there already.  
'Gandalf! What are you doing?'  
'Nosy hobbit! Never seen a man shagging with a pony before?'  
'Not with the pony on top sir, no I haven't!' 

****  
Note: I warned you. Sorry, just felt like being rude. 


End file.
